Dear Diary

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People hate Mondays.

Not only do they hate them, but they seem genuinely surprised every time another one rolls around. Strange, really, considering Monday has come after Sunday – on average once a week – for as long as anyone has been on this Earth.

Yet every week, multiple friends on my Facebook news feed lament the fact that it’s Monday and “can’t believe” it’s here again.

It’s got 24 hours, just like any other day, but this one is apparently worse.

As I get my morning coffee, others waiting in line say they “really need the caffeine shot, because it’s Monday”.

I walk into work, and at least one or two colleagues give me a look as if I’m the one who invented this thing called Monday.

They just don’t like it.

I’m clearly the odd one out here, but I actually like Mondays.

It’s a clean day – a day to start a diet, stop smoking, start exercising, or whatever takes your fancy. I guess, therefore, it’s a day of change, and not all change is good.

So, I got to thinking, if I was to look into a crystal ball, what would Monday’s diary say for a select few next week?

Julia Gillard

“Dear diary, There will be no carbon tax under the government I lead.” Hang on, that’s not a 2012 diary. So sorry about that, let’s start again…

Julia Gillard

“Dear diary, There is a carbon tax under the Government I lead.

“When the alarm went off and I heard Alan Jones parroting on about me being a liar, I just couldn’t understand what he was on about. I turned to Tim and said, ‘Don’t they realise I’m saving the world?’

“This is a great new dawn for Australia. It’s a fresh Monday morning and we’re saving the planet by implementing this tax that won’t hurt mums and dads at all.

“We may only produce about 1.5 per cent of the world’s CO2 emissions but if we’re not careful we’ll be right up there with China’s emissions, because they’re doing so much to bring their figure down, as is the United States.

“I really do love Mondays.”

Bill Shorten

“Dear diary, I haven’t seen the Prime Minister’s diary or what she wrote in it, but let me say that I support what it is that she’s said. My view is what the Prime Minister’s view is.”

David Bradbury

“Dear diary, I’m with Bill on this one.”

Tony Abbott

“Dear diary, happy Monday. How good is this? We’re on day two of the carbon tax and already 216 people have dialled 131 873 or clicked on the feedback icon at to say that the cost of apples went up yesterday at Coles.

“None of them saw the news last night because powering the TV costs too much these days, which is good because the speedos do a bloke no favours in this weather.

“I’ll just sit back, make sure my good mates Joe and Malcolm are keeping their distance and just play the game as quietly as I can.

“Now, for more important business… do you think my business card should just say ‘PM’, or ‘Prime Minister’?”

The editor of The Sydney Morning Herald, whoever that may be today

“Dear diary, the carbon tax is in but the journalists are all off recording a video about independence and writing another letter to Gina, so we’ve gone pretty soft on it.

“Besides that, it was the chief political reporter’s turn to get the coffee and Barry over in the environment department had to do the vacuuming, so we really didn’t have time.

“We did get it up on the tablet though, fingers crossed people click the Integral Energy ad next to the story… we really do need to pay that kid who writes the headlines now. People will do that, you know, they’ll click ads, just because they miss seeing them in print. It’s what our readers want.”

Phil Gould

“Dear diary, I should tell Julia and Tony about this three year plan I’ve got…”

Lara Bingle

“Dear diary, what’s a carbon tax? I was on the telly again last night!”

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