What if the past month’s biggest stories had very unlikely endings?

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They’re the issues that have dominated the news cycle over the past month, but Troy Dodds ponders, what if their conclusions took a surprising and unlikely turn?

Reality TV to decide new Speaker

In an effort to boost the popularity of the Parliament amongst the Australian public, Prime Minister Tony Abbott has announced that reality television will decide the new Speaker.

‘I’m a Politician, get me a helicopter’ will be offered to all the free-to-air networks and will be hosted by the media’s dynamic political duo, Alan Jones and Andrew Bolt.

Jones will interview, or rather speak at non-stop for five to 10 minutes, all of the candidates on his radio program while Bolt will pop up during each episode to explain why it’s all Bill Shorten’s fault.

A mix between ‘Big Brother’, ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here’ and ‘Survivor’, the show will initially see contestants sailing to the mainland in an old wooden boat, dodging various obstacles including life-size buoys designed to look like Tony Abbott and Scott Morrison.

Female contestants will wear bikinis to boost the “sex appeal” of the show, according to Mr Abbott.

The six week challenge will include elimination events like ‘Pin the Knife on Kevin’, a ‘Price is Right’ competition where contestants must match the expense account with the right politician, a budgie smuggler marathon featuring cycling and surfing hosted by Tony Abbott and special guest Mike Baird (for the ladies) and a ‘Murder Mystery’ event where contestants must guess who stole Craig Thompson’s credit card.

To add to the fun, there will be special side-events such as wine tasting with Barry O’Farrell, a Johnny Depp movie marathon hosted by Barnaby Joyce and a beer sculling demonstration presented by Bob Hawke.

Those eliminated each week will be evacuated from the island by a helicopter piloted by Bronwyn Bishop and will be forced to listen to Rob Oakeshott’s infamous address to Parliament in 2010 on the way home.

The contestant line-up is not confirmed at this stage however, Mr Abbott has two “Captain’s Picks” as part of the show and has confirmed that Prince Phillip will be a contestant.

Cooking show court case off

Channel Seven and Channel Nine have agreed to a truce in their court war over their cooking shows, deciding to take a novel approach to their next lot of television shows.

“Crazy as this idea may seem, we’ve decided to begin talking with talent agents about hiring trained actors, directors and designers to create the exact opposite to reality TV – we call it ‘pretend TV’,” a Nine spokesperson said.

“It could be drama, it could be comedy, it could be a dark thriller – who knows what these actors may be capable of,” a Seven spokesperson added.

Goodes picks up new sponsor

Sydney Swans star Adam Goodes is likely to return to the field this weekend, and has landed a new sponsor ahead of the big game.

Ear Plugs Australia has jumped on board to sponsor Goodes, who will wear the company’s product during matches.

Upon hearing the news, several AFL fans have suggested they plan to hold up big signs saying “boo” during the match. In another twist, a former Olympian has denied telling Goodes that he should go back to where he came from.

Meanwhile, some fans have issued a statement confirming that they’re not being racist when booing Goodes, and confirming they’ll monitor any potential changes to that stance.

“We think the best system to work with is for us to decide whether we’re being racist or not, and let everyone know if the situation changes,” the statement said.

This column is satire

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